Ever played the game “Would you rather?” One person presents a hypothetical situation, and another person must choose which one and explain why. The idea isn’t to determine a winner, but to spark conversation.
Sometimes the choices are appealing: Would you rather get free groceries for a year or free gas for life? Sometimes it’s choosing between the lesser of two evils: Would you rather live without the internet for a year or without air conditioning and heat for a year?
How about this one: Would you rather plan your own funeral or have a root canal?
Most Americans would choose the root canal. Surprised?
According to the Funeral and Memorial Information Council, 69 percent of respondents say they want to arrange their own funerals, but only 17 percent have actually done so.
“For a lot of people, it is uncomfortable or difficult to talk about their own death; therefore preplanning is hard and something easily put off,” said Eric Locke of Locke Funeral Services.
Most of us find talking about death uncomfortable; it means accepting death.
Brit Guerin, co-founder of Current Wellness, and a licensed mental health counselor, said, “Talking about death brings up emotions people don’t want to feel… it often feels taboo, in part because we don’t know what to say. It can bring up intense grief and sadness that are difficult to put words to” (VESTED Magazine, Jan. 18, 2023).
How To Get Started
A few practical questions to consider when you start planning are:
- What is important to you when it comes to your advance plans?
- How much do you want to spend?
- Do you want to be buried or cremated?
- What would you like to happen to your remains?
- Where will your service be? What is the décor?
- What type of music do you want played?
- Is there scripture or poetry or sayings that are meaningful to you?
- Who would you like to be involved in the service?
“Advance planning gives everyone peace of mind. The most important part of advance planning is open, honest communication with your loved ones and with the funeral home,” said the team from Locke Funeral Services. “After a service families never say, ‘I wish mom and dad hadn’t preplanned.’ They are always so grateful to have a foundation built before the need to make decisions.”
It is important that preplanning a service also matches one’s wants with the family’s needs.
“For example, if I am thinking that I would like to be cremated but maybe don’t want a service; a service might be important to my kids and grandkids or siblings and nieces and nephews, my family will really need some sort of a service,” Locke said.
Guerin suggests: “Albeit challenging, openly sharing end-of-life plans can help normalize death and make it feel less scary. Grief is never easy, but knowing your loved one’s wishes can be very meaningful and special.”
Once A Death Has Occurred
When meeting with a funeral professional to make arrangements for a funeral, the Locke Funeral Services team reminds people that while services are about the deceased, they are also for surviving family and friends. Families want and need to receive the support that comes from their community of friends and family as they make the transition to finding their new normal.
“There are a lot of details that go into planning a service,” said Elizabeth Locke.
“It depends on the type of service the family is thinking about, but there are a lot of details to consider; if it’s to be a service with the body present, we ask for recent photos. We gather information for legal documents and help to tell their loved one’s story through an obituary. We gather information about hobbies and interests and any church involvement,” Elizabeth Locke said. “The meeting time, depending on the type of service, could take up to three hours and a lot of times a minister may want to take part in the meeting as well. If the service involves cremation, it can be comforting to know that the family’s loved one never leaves our care because we operate our own crematory, and that they have the opportunity to be present at the time of cremation.”
Locke Funeral Services staff attends to many of the small details on the day of the service. Everything from directing cars in the parking lot to greeting mourners and setting up and displaying flowers and pictures and memorabilia to ushering for the service. Following the service, if a cemetery is involved, we arrange for a police escort and organize cars going in the procession to the cemetery.
“We also offer to deliver flowers to their homes. If a reception is at Tower Park, we are a licensed food establishment, which means that we are inspected and have certified staff. We also have a liquor license; in case the family wants to include either of those options for the reception. The downside is we cannot allow outside food to be brought in,” Elizabeth Locke said.
Some Practical Considerations from Locke Funeral Services:
- Have military records (DD-214), insurance documents, cemetery information, monument company information with you for arrangement meetings
- All contact information for all next-of-kin and basic family history
- Write things down as you’re able; especially specific questions or requests. It’s hard to remember everything, especially in times of stress, emotional hardship, and exhaustion.
- Does the family know where important documents are located? If there’s a specific photo to use, military paperwork, Social Security card (or number)
“It is very important that the family not set service date and time without meeting or even discussing with the funeral home first. We strive for 100 percent satisfaction. However, it is important that family needs and requests are also managed. If a family comes to us and says ‘We’ve already talked to a pastor and service is set for such-and-such date and time,’ and we are not available, we are starting our arrangement off on a sour note. That can be difficult to overcome.”
