According to the World Population Review, worldwide, almost 7,000 people die every hour, which amounts to nearly 167,000 die every day.
Death happens.
So does grief.
Unless you work in a profession where you experience death every day, like a funeral home director or a health care worker, you probably don’t have to deal with it often. You may live for decades without dealing with it. But when it happens to someone close to you, it becomes personal.
Why is one of life’s inevitabilities also the most difficult? The whole point of living on this earth is to prepare us for heaven. God promises us a place in heaven, but He never promised us heaven on earth. We’ve all had bad things happen. Those of us who have lived a few decades know life isn’t easy and it’s not fair.
Although some will comfort you during this process, please don’t think everyone will be supportive. They won’t be. This may be a shock to you if you’ve never experienced grief before.
To prepare you for the inevitable comments, remember:
- You can’t control what people say, but if you understand their intentions, their words won’t bother you;
- By understanding the inaccuracy of these comments, you’ll know what you’re feeling is normal.
A few of the comments you may hear:
- ‘I’m sorry for your loss.’ This sounds iso impersonal; instead they could say, “I’m sorry you lost your mother.”
- ‘Time heals all wounds.’ Time does nothing but pass. It takes work and effort to heal.
- ‘She’s/he’s in a better place.’ We who have grieved know this: we grieve because we miss that person, not because we don’t know where he/she is.
- ‘It will take time to get over it’ or the equally upsetting ‘You need to get over it.’ The death of a loved one is not something to ‘get over,’ it is something we incorporate into our daily life. We may never get over it and that’s okay.
- ‘It was for the best.’ Really? How do they know that? Do they know God’s plans?
- ‘You’ll feel better once you have closure.’ Closure is for business deals and real estate transactions, not feelings. Closure in this instance does not exist; we can’t close the door and forget the person who has died.
- Avoid mentioning a loved one’s name. People think it will upset us. The truth is they don’t say anything because they are afraid we’ll fall apart and they’ll feel uncomfortable. Here’s a revelation: So what if it makes others uncomfortable? This is about how you can heal from and through your grief; it’s not about their comfort level.
- Those who ignore you because they don’t know what to say or how to treat you. Or they are afraid if they say anything, you’ll cry. So you cry. It won’t break you— and it won’t break them.
Instead of giving you love, comfort or support, these comments and actions make you believe what you’re experiencing is no big deal and not worth talking about. You suffer in silence and stuff your grief down into the pit of your stomach and carry on with life as if nothing has changed. But everything has changed.
The truth is most of us want to talk about our loved one; it keeps that person’s spirit alive. Our loved one is always on our mind. Not mentioning his or her name won’t trigger the memory.
So talk—about the illness, about the death, how much you hurt, how much you hate the way people ignore you, or anything else you need to say. Just talk about it—and a lot! Maybe if you talk about your loved one’s death, you can talk about his or her life.
Most people aren’t intentionally hurtful when they say these things. Don’t be too hard on them; Unless they’ve been through what you’ve going through, they just don’t get it. If you hear any of these phrases, don’t let them get to you. Concentrate instead on those people who are loving and supportive.
By grieving in a healthy way, you may someday be able to help them through their grief.
—30—
Science of Tears
Speaking of crying, research bears this out—it is healthier to cry than try to suppress those tears. There is such a thing as healing tears that make you feel better physically. Biochemist William H. Frey, PhD, and Muriel Longseth researched the chemical makeup of tears. In their book, “Crying: The Mystery of Tears, they found emotional tears contain cortisol, the main hormone released in stressful situations. So crying not only rids our body of toxins, it also reduces stress and releases tension. No wonder we feel better after a good cry!
But some people are afraid if they start crying, they won’t stop. Many medical professionals suggest we don’t suppress the urge to cry. Dr. Elizabeth Kupferman, a licensed medical health and grief counselor, said our tears have a beginning and an end. In her article, “Permission to Cry,” Kupferman said, “Crying as a response to sadness is actually a gift that we have because it is almost exclusively a human trait … crying helps express the pain and what we don’t express, we repress. That repression may delay healing and interfere with adaptation of the loss.”
Sources:
https://worldpopulationreview.com/countries/deaths-per-day
Frey, William H. PhD, and Muriel Longseth. Crying: The Mystery of Tears. New York: HarperCollins Publisher, 1985.
Hines, CJ The River of Grief: Refining Your Sorrow for Gods Glory. Mustang, OK: Tate Publishing & Enterprises LLC, 2012.
Kupferman, Elizabeth. Permission to Cry.” http://www.expressivecounseling.com/crying-grievingprocess; December 8, 2011.
