“All I want to do is fast forward to January 2nd,” sighed Donna.
“I can’t do that. My kids. My grandkids. I can’t let them down. I’ve got my list, I’m already…” Sheila’s voice
trembled at a high pitch. “I can’t …”
Marla placed her hand over Sheila’s. “You can’t tell them it’s too much this year?”
“They miss him. So many tears. I want us to be happy. I must try to make…” Her voice broke.
“Try to make Christmas be like it’s always been?”
Sheila crumpled into Marla’s arms, her “yes” barely audible over the muffled sobs.
Howard started singing. “You better not shout, you better not cry, you better not pout, I’m telling you why.
Santa Claus is coming to town. Really? I don’t need him looking over my shoulder, judging if I’m good or
not. I’m tired of being nice!”
“We need to cry. The baby Jesus didn’t cry? I doubt that! Have you ever known a baby not to cry?”
Jessica nudged Howard.
Margaret, the group leader, watched as some people in the group reached out to Sheila. Others averted
their gaze. Each knew from their own experience the same thing: Holidays would never be the same. But
how to help Sheila?
MAKING A LIST AND CHECKING IT THRICE
“Let’s ‘flip’ ‘Santa Claus Is Coming to Town’ and instead of letting it manipulate us, let’s use it to our
advantage,” suggested Margaret.
Sheila looked up, curious. “Flip it like an old house? Like DIY shows?”
“Or you can decide to love it, or list it.” Margaret chuckled as she handed out some blank pages. “Let’s do
some brainstorming. List everything you and your loved one usually do to prepare for the holidays.
Everything. Baking. Visiting. Travel. Concerts. Church. Decorating. Social events. Shopping. And it’s okay
to get emotional.” For the next fifteen minutes, the group diligently wrote lists. Sometimes a tear dropped
on the paper.
Margaret broke in. “The first thing we all must do is accept that holidays will NEVER be the same when
we lose a loved one. Our family and we must let go of all expectations of recreating holidays of the past.
That’s the key to surviving instead of sabotaging.
Check your list and prioritize.
1) What three things must you absolutely experience? Circle only three.
2) Put a line through anything that will stress you out. Just for this year.”
“What about the kids?” Vivian’s voice trembled.
“We’ll get to them later,” Margaret soothed softly. “First let’s deal with you.” She stopped and smiled. “I
lied. We’re making a list, and checking it thrice.
3) Put a star on everything your loved one did during the holiday. Two stars if this can’t be replaced.”
“Dan always brined and fried the turkey. Nobody knows how to use that fryer. And nobody knows the
recipe. It died with him,” said Marla.
“There’s an empty chair at the head of the table. Steve always said the blessing.” Sheila’s brow furrowed.
“Who will say it now? Do I keep his chair empty?”
“Jan always had the house smelling so good: pumpkin pie and sugar cookies. We would pull out her
great-grandmother’s Glogg recipe and make bottles for all our friends,” said Howard.
GONNA FIND OUT WHO’S NAUGHTY AND NICE
“Let’s consider boundaries,” Margaret continued. “Boundaries protect us by letting us step back and
decide when to say ‘no’ and when to say ‘yes.’ It’s about deciding how we want to be treated.
“The people around us might do or say things that hurt us. Most don’t mean to be ‘naughty,’ they want to
focus on ‘happy.’ Many are uncomfortable with loss. They want us to tuck away all our emotions and be
‘nice.’ How many of you felt everything was up to you to make the season ‘Merry’?” Hands went up—
mostly women.
“This season it’s important to be true to yourself and know your limits. You don’t have to live up to
anyone’s expectations.” Margaret paused. “Even your own.”
“My brother tells me to suck it up,” sighed Ted. “What a guy!”
“So, let’s make a list of the people around you. Who is naughty? The toxic ones? Avoid engaging with
them. Let them go. Don’t play their ‘reindeer games.’ Who’s positive? People you can trust?”
“Like Clarice in Rudolph?” Marla perked up. “My friend Jean is like that. Soothing.”
BE GOOD FOR GOODNESS SAKE
“Consider what’s good for you this season. Have your kids and grandkids write their list. Talk together.
Everyone is hurting. Plan ahead. Think through the day. Be flexible, or compromise. Do you have to fry the
turkey? Could the kids learn the ancient family recipe? Try some new traditions? Just order pizza? Heretical
But…relaxing. Order out, split up responsibilities. Don’t let your loved one be the elephant in the room. Set a
place for your loved one. Share stories. It’s okay to cry and laugh. It’s healing,” Margaret offered with a smile.
HE SEES YOU WHEN YOU’RE SLEEPING
Margaret lowered her voice, “Whether you believe or not, pour out your heart. I believe God is watching over
you. One of my kids once shared, ‘Christmas is about God putting skin on in the form of baby Jesus, to be
with people.’ Hanukkah is about God providing light when the oil ran out for 8 days! Kwanzaa is about the
people, the struggle, sacrifice, and the possibilities ahead. All ancient traditions and holidays are about the
light of hope in the midst of darkness. Choose hope.”
