Miscarriages, Stillbirths, Neonatal Deaths and Grief

Miscarriages

Like many women, Ashika was excited to learn she was pregnant with her first child. But that excitement turned to sadness and then despair as she suffered a miscarriage. Then another one. And another one. And another one.

Four miscarriages—each one more devastating than the last. These miscarriages represented dashed hopes, crushed dreams, and deep emotional scars.

“There is no perfect way to heal. There is no perfect way of dealing with something you’ve never imagined that you would experience multiple times. After four consecutive miscarriages, my hope was slowly deflating,” she explained.

Miscarriages occur in one in eight pregnancies, according to the National Health Service. The majority cannot be prevented; they are thought to be caused by abnormal chromosomes in the baby.

Many miscarriages happen before the woman is aware she is pregnant. Having three or more miscarriages in a row is uncommon and affects 1 in 100 women, like Ashika.Most people are uninformed about the rate of miscarriages, thinking them to be rare occurrences, thereby making mothers feel more isolated than necessary. Because of the stigma surrounding miscarriages, many women keep the experience to themselves, which also prevents them from seeking support.

Happily, after six years, Ashika and her husband, Mayur, welcomed a healthy baby girl, Siana.Her message for others going through similar trauma: “Sending love to so many of you who are walking this journey. You are not alone. If I can be the one who shines a light to reassure you that better days are ahead – I’ll play that role for you every single day of my life.”

Stillbirths

Michelle’s first child, Orla, was stillborn. As a clinical psychologist working for the National Heath Service (NHS), Michelle had helped others deal with grief; she thought she knew what to expect after losing Orla.

“Waking up the morning after Orla died, with the crib beside me, I felt an overwhelming sense of sadness. It was as if someone had scooped out my soul and left my body behind,” she said.

Becoming pregnant three months later, Michelle delivered a healthy girl, Esme. “To the outside world, it was a happy ending, but it isn’t as simple as that. Grief isn’t finite and one child cannot be replaced by another. I felt guilty for feeling happy and having a healthy child and heartbroken that Esme would grow up when Orla never would.”

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, since the 1940s, improvements in maternity care have reduced the rate of occurrence. However, the overall rate has slowed in the past 30 years.

Stillbirths occur in 1 in 175 births, or 21,000 babies a year in the United States. They occur in families of all races, ethnicities and income levels, although they occur more frequently to specific racial and ethnic groups. These can be attributed to underlying causes, such as access to healthcare, pre-existing conditions amd discrimination.

Neonatal Deaths

Sophie suffered two miscarriages before giving birth to her son SJ, after her water broke at 23 weeks. The doctor explained that SJ had air bubbles on one of his lungs. After the doctor tried a less invasive procedure than surgery, he gave Sophie and her husband Simon the sad news—that they could not save SJ.

The couple wanted to cherish the last moments of tiny SJ. As he lay on Sophie’s chest for hours, a midwife captured photos. Perhaps weird at first, but now the photos are treasured memories, she explained.

“During that time, knowing this was going to be the only opportunity we would ever get to hold him, is where I learned what the term ‘heartbreak’ really means. I felt this moment of physical pain run through my heart that is hard to describe,” Sophie said.

She and her husband scattered SJ’s ashes around a tree at a local park and both have tattoos with his name. 

The first month of life is the most vulnerable for survival, according to the World Health Organization. Neonatal deaths—babies who died in their first month of life—occurred in three deaths per 1,000 births in the United States, and 2.3 million worldwide. This amounts to nearly 47 percent of all child deaths under the age of 5. 

Societal Attitudes

“Despite the frequency of incomplete pregnancies, a veil of silence surrounds pregnancy loss in our culture,”  said Linda Layne, PhD, in “Motherhood Lost,” (Women & Health, October 2008). “The last fifteen years organizations have sprung up throughout the United States which protest the cultural denial of perinatal loss and seek to define a miscarriage or stillbirth as a legitimate source of grief.”

Attitudes toward pregnancy loss are still antiquated, making mothers feel at fault, inadequate and ashamed, although most infant deaths are a result of factors beyond a woman’s control. They also cause profound emotional and physical feelings—many women feel, guilt, shock, anger, sadness, and isolation. 

While it can be very painful, a funeral or memorial service can be a healing and safe place for families to express their loss.

“We do not charge for our services for infants. We will do whatever the parents want, sometimes it is a public service, sometimes it’s private, sometimes there is no formal service at all. Sometimes there is a cemetery burial, sometimes not,” said Eric Locke of Locke Funeral Services.

Regardless, it is important to keep your child’s memory alive. Ways to memorialize the child can include: 

• Plant flowers or a tree
• Buy a memorial gift such as a plaque, candle, wind chime, jewelry, ornaments, and many others (Etsy.com is a great resource)
• Write a poem or letter to your baby
• Create a memory box—include a lock of hair, nametag, footprints or handprints, and add the poem or letter
• Light a memorial candle on the anniversary of the baby’s death and/or holidays such as Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Christmas, etc.
• Buy a special piece of jewelry, such as a bracelet with the baby’s initials

Seek Help

It is important to seek help after such a loss. Talk to your doctor, reach out to family and loved ones, talk to a therapist or someone you trust, find a support group, and access the numerous online resources available.

This is one of the times you must put yourself first:

• Accept your broken heart
• Allow yourself time to grieve
• Get adequate sleep
• Eat healthy
• Do gentle exercise (check with your doctor first, of course)
• Set boundaries—let people know when you need space and time to be alone
• Grief is personal and individual—don’t compare your experience to someone else’s

Resources

• Miscarriage Association: https://www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/story/ashikas-story-reflecting-after-6-years/
• Stillbirth Stories: 3 Women, Women’s Health, Nikki Osman, De.c 13, 2021. Retrieved Feb. 2, 2025 from: https://www.womenshealthmag.com/uk/health/female-health/a26644423/stillbirth-stories/
• Tommy’s Charity: The pregnancy and baby charity. Retrieved Feb. 4, 2025 from: https://www.tommys.org/baby-loss-support/baby-loss-stories/i-held-him-i-learned-what-term-heartbreak-really-means
• UAMS Health: Caring for Yourself After Loss. Retrieved Feb. 4, 2025 from: https://uamshealth.com/love-lives/after-a-loss/caring-for-yourself/
• World Health Organization, March 14, 2024, Newborn Mortality. Retrieved Feb. 2, 2025 from: https://www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/newborn-mortality