The Care Courier
July – September 2026 Newsletter
Vol. 12, Issue 3
In This Issue
- Why your grief is unique
- An Aesop fable about uniqueness
- You are not your feelings
- Try this today
- Dates of continuous care meetings
Why Your Grief Is Unique
In our grief groups I encourage mourners to never compare their progress to another’s, or to rush through the healing process. They must mourn at their own rate, and in their own way.
Recently we focused on understanding the many factors that shape how we mourn. You are unique. Your grief is unique. Nobody knows how you feel or what you are going through.
If you ever need to talk, call me at the Locke offices.
– VickiJolene Lindley
Introduction
Grief is something all human beings experience, yet no two people grieve in exactly the same way. Even within the same family, people often respond differently to the same loss. One sibling may cry frequently while another becomes quiet and reflective. One person may want to talk about the person who died, while another prefers time and solitude.
These differences are not signs that someone is grieving incorrectly. They simply reflect the truth that grief is deeply personal.
Grief educator Dr. Alan Wolfelt explains that every person’s grief journey is shaped by many influences. In his book Understanding Your Grief: Ten Essential Touchstones for Finding Hope and Healing Your Heart, he reminds us that our relationships, beliefs, life experiences, personalities, and circumstances surrounding the death all affect how we mourn (Wolfelt, 2020).
The Relationship You Had
One of the most important influences on grief is the relationship you had with the person who died. Psychologist John Bowlby described grief as the natural response to the loss of someone with whom we share a strong emotional bond. The deeper the attachment, the deeper the sense of loss may be. The depth of grief often reflects the depth of love and connection that existed.
Circumstances of the Death
When death follows a long illness, family members may experience anticipatory grief. When death is sudden, people may struggle with shock, unanswered questions, or thoughts about what might have been done differently. Thoughts such as “if only” are common as the mind tries to make sense of a loss that feels senseless.
Personality and Coping Style
Some people express grief openly through tears and conversation. Others process their feelings quietly and internally. Neither style is right or wrong. Grief can be expressed in many ways, and each person must find their own path through mourning.
Faith and Spiritual Beliefs
For many people, grief raises spiritual questions. Some individuals feel closer to God or their faith community during loss, while others struggle with questions such as “Why did this happen?” or “What meaning can come from this?” Searching for meaning is often a natural part of grief.
“Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless.”
– Mother Teresa
Other Stresses in Life
Grief rarely happens in isolation. Work, finances, caregiving responsibilities, or illness may still demand attention. When many stresses occur at once, grief can feel especially overwhelming. Simplifying responsibilities where possible and focusing on self-care can help during this time.
Previous Experiences with Loss
Past losses often shape how we respond to a new death. Sometimes people experience several losses in a short period of time, something Wolfelt calls “grief overload.” Previous losses and life experiences may influence how we cope with grief today.
Physical and Emotional Health
Grief affects both body and mind. Fatigue, sleep disruption, difficulty concentrating, and changes in appetite are common experiences. Taking care of physical health through rest, nourishment, movement, and medical support when needed can help support healing.
Cultural Expectations
Cultural messages sometimes influence how people feel they should express grief. Yet grief is a human experience, and each person deserves the freedom to grieve in their own way.
The Role of Ritual
Funerals and memorial services provide a meaningful space for mourning. Rituals help people acknowledge the reality of death, honor the life of the person who died, and receive support from others during a difficult time.
Telling Your Story
A vital part of healing in grief is telling the story of the loss. Sharing memories and experiences helps the mind and heart gradually integrate what has happened. Over time the story often shifts from focusing on the moment of death to remembering the life and meaning of the person who died.
© VickiJolene Lindley
An Aesop Fable About Uniqueness
The Crow and the Peacock
A crow once admired the beautiful feathers that fell from a peacock’s tail. Thinking the feathers far more splendid than his own black plumage, the crow picked them up and tucked them among his feathers. Then he walked proudly into the company of the peacocks, believing he now looked as magnificent as they did.
But the peacocks quickly noticed the stranger among them. They recognized their stolen feathers and chased the crow away. Embarrassed, the crow returned to his fellow crows. Yet they, too, rejected him, annoyed that he had tried to abandon what made him one of them.
The crow finally realized that trying to be something he was not had cost him the acceptance of both groups. He would have been better appreciated had he simply remained himself.
Moral: Each creature has its own beauty and place in the world. Trying to imitate another often causes us to lose sight of our own gifts. Grief is much the same. No one else’s grief journey can look exactly like yours. Your grief reflects your relationship, your life experiences, and your love. And that uniqueness deserves patience, compassion, and understanding.
You Are Not Your Feelings
The Careful Use of “I Am” in Grief
Grief brings a wide range of emotions—often shifting from one moment to the next. Sadness, anger, confusion, loneliness, even moments of peace or relief. These feelings are real, and they deserve to be acknowledged. But there is something important to understand. The feelings you experience in grief are not who you are.
It is easy to fall into the habit of saying, “I am sad,” “I am angry,” or “I am lost.” Over time, these statements can begin to feel like identity. But feelings are not permanent. They rise and fall. They move and shift. They come and go.
Instead of saying “I am sad,” try “I am feeling sad.” Instead of “I am angry,” try “I am feeling angry.” This small shift creates space. It reminds you that the feeling is something you are experiencing—not something you are.
Take a moment to name what is present for you right now. You might say:
- I am feeling grief.
- I am feeling overwhelmed.
- I am feeling tired.
- I am feeling lonely.
- I am feeling uncertain.
- I am feeling moments of peace.
There is no right or wrong list. Let the feelings be named without judgment.
Now, gently return to the words “I am” and use them to describe something deeper—your character, your strength, your identity. You might say:
- I am surviving.
- I am learning.
- I am growing.
- I am strong enough for today.
- I am capable.
- I am resilient.
During my own season of grief, I often repeated, “I am a capable person. I am smart enough to learn how to do this.” There were many things I had never done before—tasks my husband had always handled. The learning curve was steep. So I added one more truth: I am learning.
When emotions feel overwhelming, try this simple practice. Name your feelings honestly: “I am feeling…” Then ground yourself in truth: “I am…” This allows both things to exist—your emotions and your identity.
Grief will bring many feelings. Some will be heavy. Some will surprise you. Some will come and go quickly. But beneath all of them, there is a deeper truth. You are still here. You are still becoming. And who you are is more than what you feel.
© VickiJolene Lindley
“Grief attacks. We can be going along and everything seems to be okay. Then, out of nowhere, grief hits full force. These are not setbacks. They are simply a part of the grieving experience.”
– Unknown
Try This Today
Two Sentences That Can Ground You
When emotions feel overwhelming, pause and use these two simple sentences:
“I am feeling __________________.”
“I am __________________.”
Example:
- I am feeling overwhelmed. I am capable.
- I am feeling lonely. I am not alone in this world.
- I am feeling afraid. I am learning how to move forward.
Let your feelings be honest. Let your identity be steady.
Use this practice anytime you need to ground yourself.
“Grief is like rain. When you’re standing in the street, drenched and freezing cold, it’s hard to remember what it’s like to feel warm and dry… but some people are umbrellas. And they keep away the worst of the storm.”
– Unknown
Join Us Every Week
2026 Continuous Care Support Groups
Grief Support Daytime Meetings
Time: 12:00–1:30 p.m.
Location: Cabin Coffee, 2040 Kimball, Waterloo
Grief Support Evening Meetings
Time: 5:00–6:30 p.m.
Location: Locke at Tower Park, 4140 Kimball, Waterloo
Weekly Thursday Dates
- July: 2, 9, 16, 23, 30
- August: 6, 13, 20, 27
- September: 3, 10, 17, 24
Please note: Thursday evening grief groups will be paused through the summer beginning May 7 and will resume September 10.
Please feel free to bring a friend. All groups are free and open to the public.
Call with questions: 319-233-6138.
Weather alert: If schools are closed due to weather, the meeting is canceled.
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