As we navigate our way through life, we’ve all experienced things that were out of our control or have seemingly come out of the blue.

Sometimes these events are welcomed, such as a new job, unexpected but welcomed pregnancy, or a cash windfall, but when it’s a loved one who dies suddenly, it leaves us ill-prepared for the aftermath.

“I had no idea this was coming,” says Rebecca, who recalls her 49-year-old nephew’s death from an aortic aneurysm, “It’s a disbelief and a shock; a sharp pain, versus a dull pain — because you still have the pain of losing your loved one, but it’s unexpected.”

Shock is one factor that sets apart survivors of sudden, unexpected deaths from other deaths, such as old age or a long cancer battle. 

According to the National Library of Medicine (Oct. 2000), “A sudden death is one that is unforeseen, unexpected, occurs with little or no warning, and that leaves survivors unprepared for the loss. It comes from an unexpected injury or suicide or from a medical cause such as heart attack, stroke, overwhelming infection, poisoning, or massive bleeding.” 

Sudden death, particularly in recent history, has included those who died from terrorism, such as 9/11, the Oklahoma City Bombing, and countless mass shootings, including those in our schools, public offices, grocery stores, movie theaters, concert venues, churches, and many others. 

Shock can manifest into physical reactions such as:shaking,

• difficulty breathing,
• sleeping and/or eating,
• and performing everyday tasks.

At its most extreme, it can present as post-traumatic stress disorder. PTSD can only be diagnosed by a doctor, but common symptoms include:

• flashbacks,
• nightmares,
• avoiding reminders of the trauma,
• changes in mood or behavior,
• hyper-vigilance,
• and fear.

These would be particularly evident in those who have had exposure to death, or the threat of death or serious injury, such as surviving a school shooting. 

COVID deaths and deaths due to murder, accidents or suicide, are also examples of unexpected deaths. Survivors may question why they are alive and others died, and experience an overwhelming feeling of guilt.

“When it comes to suicide, it is a shock because you don’t see it coming. You always have that thought in the back of your head that they may attempt it but you are never really prepared when they actually complete suicide,” said Amanda Anderson, who leads Locke Funeral Services’ suicide support group. 

Anderson, whose husband Nick, completed suicide in 2011, said survivors’ guilt is another factor echoed among group participants.

“Survivor’s guilt is the one thing we all have in common,” said Anderson. “The main thing that is always expressed with survivors’ guilt is them saying: ‘I wish I could have saved them,’ or ‘I have failed them, I should have done more!’ I wish survivors’ guilt was not part of this journey but it is.”

There are also those unspoken societal myths or beliefs many of us have heard, perhaps passed down from grandparents to parents and then to us, such as “don’t swallow gum because it stays in your stomach for seven years,” or “wait an hour after eating before you swim.”

These are harmless and don’t cause us any real distress. However, some beliefs can hinder our grieving and healing process; for example, when a child dies, it goes against our beliefs about how things should be.

When Cheryl and Norm Gerdes learned of the death of their 4 1/2-year-old grandson Ryan in 2002, it left them to question everything.

“There were so many unanswerable questions. How could this be? Why? His future was erased and we were left to wonder what might have been… What now? Will we ever be lighthearted or look forward to anything again? How long will midnight last,” Cheryl said. “The death of a child is unimaginable because it is so out of order. Older people die, sick people die; not sturdy, healthy, active, intelligent, and full-of-fun 4-and-1/2-year-olds. We’d only just begun to love and enjoy him.” 

Many also experience secondary losses, such as financial stress, medical costs, and added responsibilities in managing a home or becoming the sole parent. There are also painful reminders of the deceased’s absence.

For the Gerdeses, those tangible reminders included seeing Ryan’s bike he got for his 4th birthday, his toys, clothes and other possessions in his bedroom, and bats, balls, and a kid-size basketball and hoop in the garage and driveway. 
 
“And a sand pail and shovel, in the sandbox where he last played, along with the mounds of sand and indentations created by his presence,” Cheryl added. 

For Cheryl and Norm, and many others, they responded to their grief by their belief in God and the anchor of support and comfort that provided them. 

Many, like those attending the suicide support group at Locke, have learned there is comfort and safety with sharing grief with those with similar experiences. “Having a good support system is so vital to everyone,” said Anderson. 

If loved ones have no preplanned funeral or memorial arrangements made, survivors often feel they are spinning out of control.

“When Nick died, there was nothing preplanned, which did send us all into a scramble, and that is using that term loosely. There is a big sense of urgency in wanting to get things planned, but at the same time you tend to drag your feet because you don’t want that final goodbye,” Anderson said. “Planning a funeral for a loved one is hard as it is but when it’s somebody you’ve lost to suicide, the realness of it is so hard… with suicide deaths and nothing planned, it tends to become a family drama, and that can cause a truckload of issues.” 

Anderson is an advocate of preplanning; “We’re not guaranteed tomorrow.”

Locke Funeral Services provides personalized planning, online planning tools, including general and merchandise pricing lists, and in-person support. Contact Locke Funeral Services for more information.

Ways to Cope with Grief from Sudden, Unexpected Death:

• Surround yourself with people who can keep your safe. Avoid driving and other tasks that require concentration and don’t make decisions that can impact your later one.
• Let yourself feel what you’re feeling. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, nor are there ‘good’ and ‘bad’ emotions.
• If you are a parent, or grandparent, pay attention to how others around you are affected by the death. 
• Seek help and support if you feel overwhelmed.
• Be kind to yourself: eat well, sleep, do activities you enjoy. If these things are hindered by your grief, see your family physician or psychologist for specific coping strategies.
• Find ways to say good-bye to the loved one—in addition to attending a memorial service, find meaningful ways to cope with the loss.

Resources
“10 myths you may have heard from your parents,” UCHealth, June 16, 2023, retrieved from https://url.us.m.mimecastprotect.com/s/pSTUCL95ZmCMyE8JfByPRKdomain=uchealth.org
Halpert, Julie. Jan. 2022. “How to Help a Loved One Cope Through Sudden Loss,” New York Times, retrieved from https://url.us.m.mimecastprotect.com/s/_uYJCM85ZniVMEmQCkeOsG?domain=nytimes.com