Those who’ve seen the 1992 movie, “My Girl,” know that 11-year-old Vada had an obsession with death: her mother died while giving birth to her, her father runs a funeral business in their home, and Vada believes she will die from any number of ailments, including prostate cancer.

In fact, Vada would rather believe she’s dying than learn how to live with her grief.

(Spoiler alert if you plan to see the movie!)

When Vada’s best friend Thomas dies following an allergic reaction, she is finally forced to feel her grief—both her mother’s and now her best friend’s. It is at Thomas’s funeral when she realizes how death has become her constant friend.

While Vada’s reaction to death and grief may sound unusual, it is perfectly normal. Children grieve differently from adults. For example, many assume there is a predictable progression to a child’s experience.

According Dr. Alan Wolfelt, director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition (1992 Bereavement magazine): “There is a predictable and orderly stage-like progression to the child’s experience of grief and mourning. Adults, most likely those who haven’t experienced a significant death, will assume children go through stages of grief (popularized by Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross in 1969).”

Unfortunately, grief is complicated and does not follow a tidy sequence from Stage One through Stage Five. Each child, just like an adult, will experience grief in his or her own unique way. Wolfelt, a leading death educator and grief counselor, recommends allowing the child to be his or her own expert: “Allow the child to teach us where he or she is in the process; say, ‘Teach me about your grief, and I will be with you. As you teach me, I will follow the lead you provide and attempt to be a stabilizing and empathetic presence.’ “

“Helping Children Cope with Grief,” from the Child Mind Institute, outlines expectations for children of all ages:

• 4 years old and younger: They live more in the present and don’t understand the permanence of death; they may ask the same question over and over. Behavior patterns could regress to thumb-sucking, bedwetting, or sleep problems. Provide the child with as much normalcy in their daily routine as possible.
• 4- to 7-year-olds: Children view death as ‘reversible,’ as if something magical can bring that person back. At this age, children also ask more specific questions, such as ‘How did he die?’. Nightmares, regression to younger behavior, and changes in eating and activities may also occur. Try engaging the child in symbolic play, such as drawing, and talking about the person who died. Especially for younger children, don’t dwell on the details of the death.
• 7- to 13-year-olds: Children in this age range think more logically and begin to understand the finality of death. They may desire more specific details yet could become overly afraid of illness or injuries because they don’t understand the processes of death. Children in this age group may also become fixated on the ‘why’ of death, particularly if it seems senseless. Expressions of grief may include problems with school, isolation from friends, eating and sleeping problems, acting out, and concerns about their own death. Encourage them to express their feelings, regardless of what they are, and encourage physical outlets. Within this age group, they should be able to decide for themselves if they want to attend the memorial or funeral service.
• 13- to 18-year-olds: Teenagers have a better concept of death, yet express it in bigger ways, such as extreme sadness, denial, regression, depression, anger, and possibly suicidal thoughts. They may believe the world is unsafe, or detach themselves from others. Death and grief can also trigger the use of alcohol or drugs. Be available if they want to talk, but give them space as well. 

Within all age ranges, professional help is warranted when their symptoms continue beyond six months or impair their ability to function. 

School counselors also play a vital role in helping children deal with death and grief. Dave Bern, Aldrich Elementary School counselor, said within the Cedar Falls elementary schools, counselors have a crisis plan for death and grief, which is communicated to all staff. Following a death, the principal or someone on staff stays in touch with the family to keep channels of communication open.

“If there are kids needing extra support, we can provide counseling either in small groups or individually. If there are students who say they are ok or don’t want to talk, we do check in with them periodically,” said Berns, who has been a Cedar Falls counselor for 31 years.

Also, thanks to a $5,000 grant from the Cedar Falls Schools Foundation, grief kits are available in each elementary school. These consist of an age-appropriate book, a workbook and a stuffed animal.

School counselors in the Waterloo Community School System provide support and guidance to students and families dealing with loss, which also includes a Memo of Understanding (MOU) with Cedar Valley Hospice.

“This allows the hospice grief counselors to see the student at school for their session. The school counselor would coordinate this service with the permission of the parent. Our school counselor provides individual and small group sessions, but if the student would benefit from additional support, we would reach out to the hospice grief counselors, said Donna Kitrick, LSW, mental health coordinator, Waterloo Schools.

Finally, memorializing a loved one is also important. Parents and teachers can take the lead; ideas range from simply sharing stories and photos, to planting a tree, supporting a cause close to the loved one’s heart, or dedicating an event in their honor.

For More Grief Resources, Click Here

Movies to Help Kids Deal with Death

(Courtesy of Stardust Memorials, retrieved July 31, 2024)

• “The Lion King,” 1994, Rated G, animated: Simba, a young lion, must deal with the death of his father, Mufassa; he learns about death, loss, grief and the circle of life.
• “Coco,” 2017, Rated PG, animated: An aspiring musician, Miguel, travels to the Land of the Dead, to find his great-great-grandfather. Along the way he learns about family and the importance of remembering loved ones.
• “Up,” 2009, Rated PG, animated: Elderly man Carl travels to South America, meeting a young boy along the way. Carl has to deal with his wife’s death before he can move on.
• “The Book of Life,” 2014, Rated PG, animated: Young Manolo must choose between loyalty to his family or following his heart. The movie takes place on the Day of the Dead, the Mexican holiday that celebrates and remembers loved ones. 
• “My Girl,” 1991, PG, Live action: Vada, an 11-year-old girl, is obsessed with death following her mother’s death. Her father owns a funeral home, which adds to her obsession. The movie also focuses on her best friend, Thomas. This movie realistically portrays grief and importance of handling emotions in a healthy way.

Books to Help Kids Deal with Death

(Thanks to the Cedar Falls Library Youth Department for the list)

Loss of a Parent/Guardian Picture Books:

• Ride the Wind by Nicola Davis
• Remembering Mama by Dara Dokas
• Missing Mommy by Rebbecca Cobb
• The Pond by Nicola Davis
• The Scar by Charlotte Moundlie
• Boats for Papa by Jessixa B
• One Wave at a Time By Holly Thompson

Loss of a Friend/Loved One Picture Books:

• The Funeral by Matt James 
• The Invisible String by Patrice Karst
• Valentina and Monster by Angeles Ruiz
• Always in Your Heart by Deb Wade
• Out to Sea by Helen Kellock

Loss of a Relative Picture Books:

• When Grandfather Flew by Patricia MacLachlan
• Saturdays are for Stella by Candy Wellins
• Cry, Heart, But Never Break by Glen Ringtved
• I’ll Say Goodbye by Pam Zollmen

Loss of a Pet Picture Books:

• The Dead Bird by Margaret Wise
• Addy’s Cup of Sugar by John J. Muth
• Remembering Barkley by Erin Frankel

List for Middle-Grade Readers:

• Glitters Gets Everywhere by Erin Bowman
• Rising Above Shepherdsville by Ann Schoenbohm
• The Thing About Jellyfish by Ali Benjamin
• What Comes Next by Rob Buyea
• The Dollar Kids by Jennifer Jacobson
• The Way Home Looks Now by Wendy Wan Long Shang
• Missing Okalee by Laura Ojeda
• The Shape of Thunder by Jasmine Warga
• Love That Dog by Sharron Creech
• The Smart Kid’s Guide to Losing a Pet by Christine Petersen

Resources

• “Helping Children Cope with Grief,” Child Mind Institute, 2001.
• Wolfelt, Alan. “Ten Common Myths about Children and Grief” Bereavement magazine, 1992.