The first Christmas after losing my mom was the darkest, saddest time I can ever remember. Of course, the Iowa winter — cold, dark, and snowy — only added to that malaise.
My brother, who lived in Alabama, came home to spend the holiday with my dad and my other brother and wife and my family. I was glad we were all together but nothing could have removed that black cloud of grief that loomed over us all.
I clearly understood the saying; ‘misery loves company:’ I guess it’s easier (relatively so) to be around others who are grieving than be with people who don’t understand what it’s like. But easy doesn’t mean it’s not painful. If it were possible, I would rather have skipped the entire month of December.
Let’s face it. When you are grieving the death of a loved one, holidays are rough. You remember past holidays you shared, you ache for that person’s presence, knowing you’ll never have those experiences again.
While everyone else is shopping, going to Christmas parties or concerts, baking, decorating and doing all things holiday-related, you wonder if you will ever feel that joy and happiness the holidays used to bring. Will your grief always be this huge and overwhelming?
Not a very pretty picture, is it?
If the thought of the coming holidays make you want to stay in bed and throw the covers over your head, only venturing out on January 1, you are not alone.
Many people who have experienced the death of a loved one find the holidays not filled with tidings of great joy, but rather with buckets of tears and sadness.
“When we isolate ourselves, we have one person to talk to—us,” says H. Norman Wright, grief therapist and certified trauma specialist. “And since we’re probably on a negative bend already, we’re going to reinforce the negativism. We’re going to expand it and that’s going to make it worse.”
The unfortunate truth is grief doesn’t take a holiday. Yes, you need time alone to process your grief and your emotions. But isolating yourself from everything and everyone is not the answer. Isolation can also lead to some unhealthy behaviors, such as indulging in food, alcohol, drugs, online shopping, online gambling, overworking or worse.
Another big danger in isolating yourself is negative self-talk, feeling guilty about decisions and feeling regret. Beating yourself up when you’re alone is easy to do when there’s no one else to defend you.
“The primary characteristics of negative self-talk are: a) It’s not true, b) it does not build you up or help you grow, and c) it exaggerates the impact and extent of legitimate problems,” says Sabrina Black, therapist and author. “The solution is not to surround yourself with people, the answer lies in a healthy balance of both time alone and time with others, making wise choices of what you do when you’re alone and the kind of people you spend time with.”
First, recognize and acknowledge the holidays are going to be tough. They just are: emotionally, physically, relationally, spiritually. Be realistic about your expectations, accept them, let them come and allow yourself to feel the emotions and burdens. This Christmas will be nothing like those of the past.
Also avoid stifling your emotions; the consequences can be like shaking a bottle of pop and opening it: it explodes, spewing liquid everywhere and making a big mess.
Finally, remember to care for yourself: drink plenty of water, get enough sleep, and eat healthy. If weather permits, take a walk; this can release those endorphins that contribute to relieving stress and improving your mood.
Try to spend time with those people who love and care about you; but only as much time as you can handle. If you are invited to a Christmas party, tell yourself you will go for an hour, then leave. You can let the host/hostess know your plan ahead of time. Or, if you are at a family Christmas gathering, excuse yourself when you need to, whether it is time to rest or deal with emotions. Other ideas—arrive late, leave early; and drive yourself.
If you choose to be with people, ask yourself if you can:
Talk about your loved one and share memories
Express your grief if ambushed by difficult emotions
Be honest and ask for help if you need it
If you realize it will be difficult to talk about your loved one, Wright suggests writing a grief letter to send prior to the gathering or give to people when you arrive. The letter explains what you’ve experienced and how you feel; lets people know what they can and cannot expect from you, and gives them tips on what they can do to help you.
If you choose to be alone, will you:
Digest your feelings and thoughts?
Position yourself so you’re not easily tempted to do unhealthy things to numb the pain?
Black says it’s important to think before committing to either scenario.
If you do commit to a gathering or celebration, and you find yourself feeling joyful or happy, at least in the moment, do not feel guilty! Joy and sorry can exist in a person at the same time.
“It may be at that party you can be laughing at eight o’clock and crying at eight-thirty because something triggered it. Don’t be embarrassed about laughing, because even in the midst of our sorrow, there’s joy. It’s all mixed up together and it doesn’t come in sequence,” says Dr. Robert DeVries, professor emeritus of church education at Calvin Theological seminary.
Most importantly, taking care of yourself is not being selfish. Also don’t let anyone tell you how you should or shouldn’t grieve. How we grieve is as unique as our fingerprint.
The Griever’s Holiday Bill of Rights
You have a right to:Say time out anytime you need to.
Tell it like it is. When people ask how you are, you have the right to tell them how you really feel, not just what they want to hear.
To have some Bah Humbug days. You don’t have to be jolly or cheery.
To do things differently. No Christmas police will tell you that you must do Christmas the same way.
To be where you want to be. At home or a relative or friend’s house; whatever feels right.
To have some fun. Don’t be afraid someone will say something if they see you laughing.
To change direction. Grief is unpredictable. If you plan on going somewhere and all of a sudden, you feel overwhelmed, it’s ok to stay home.
To do things at different times. Go to a different church service, eat earlier or later, go to bed when you feel like it.
To have rest, peace and solitude. You don’t need to be busy, all the time, Take a nap, pray, meditate.
And finally:
To do it all differently next year.
By Bruce Conley
Resources
Material provided through GriefShare, part of Church Initiaitve of Wake Forest, NC. For more information, visit www.griefshare.org.
